mama, or of horoscopes and motherhood

February 13, 2007

At first, it was creepy. I was completely weirded out when I realized the significance of what I held in my hands.

WhileI was watching the Grammy Awards last night, my mother handed me a yellowed, faded print-out–so old that the text was printed by a dot-matrix printer on those continuous sheets with holes along both sides, and perforations at the bottom of each page. "Read this," mom said with a sneaky little smile I hadn't seen in a while. "I had it done when you were born."

The top of the long, continuous sheet of old-school computer paper read: "Natal Horoscope for P—– J– M—– birthdate: Thu, Jul 19, 1984  time: exactly 0300pm." What proceeded was four pages of descriptions of the various characteristics and traits that I would be predisposed to possess, by virtue of the arrangement of the stars and the moon on the month, day, hour, minute of my birth. The last page was a long table of all the variables that the astrologer had read from the stars. The first three pages were the interpretation of the last page, which to me seemed like reading scientific jargon that made no sense. Words like "trine" and "sextine" were mentioned in every other sentence.

As I read along, I noticed some phrases heavily underlined in my mom's trademark blue ballpen:

"Patience and discipline should be deliberately developed"

and:

"You must be careful to avoid bigotry or self-righteousness"

one more:

"There is a genuine love of beauty–artistic talent is likely"

 When I had finished reading my natal horoscope, my mom said, in all seriousness: "Now you know why I had to be strict with you."I was struck dumb–because it slowly dawned on me that my mother's ultimate childrearing guide (for my formative years, at the very least)  was an astrological chart. I didn't know what to make of it. My only thought was, "what the f***?!"

As I thought about it more, it made even more sense. My mother's irrational fear of me having a teenage pregnancy? "Good sexual relationships likely…strongly sexed," says the chart. Not to mention that "there is a strong parental instinct." Her constant encouragement for me to enter the arts ? When I was born, Jupiter was in conjunction with Neptune, which, as the chart explains over and over, is "a good aspect for artistic pursuits." I think that message was expressed in various iterations all over the chart.  And her nagging me about being too ma-luho and too exaggerated about the stuff I like?  "A loyal and expansive personality is likely, but probably very prone to excesses…practicality requires conscious effort."

What's worse is, practically 90% of what the chart is saying is true about me; it even says things about how I have a tendency to be praning, how  I loathe restrictions; how I am idealistic to a fault, and too escapist; how I don't want to get stuck in conventional thinking; even how much I like technology and reading science fiction! Good grief.

And it ends with this, which raised the hair on the back of my neck as I read it:

A basic conflict–at best [I am] independent and strong in helping others; at worst very secretive, a masochist, or a hermit. A tendency to brood may lead to problems. Hardships will be hidden from others, and can turn to self-pity.

Holy effing shit. That's scary. That's basically the story of my life so far. 

But, I'm pretty much over being creeped out by my mom using it as the guide to raising her child. Now, I'm beginning to think it's endearing; or perhaps a chink in the armor or a notch in the pedestal.

Even my mother–whom I got the know-it-all gene from–needed help with dealing with the new life she held in her hands. Even my mother–the practical agnostic–needed something that was greater than her to help her get through motherhood.

You see, my mother has this image of always being self-sufficient, capable, strong onto herself; it was always so hard for me growing up, feeling like I'd never be as strong as she was. The realization that she, too, can be afraid of responsibility–and that she would admit it to me, albeit indirectly–I'd never dreamed that would ever happen. 

lists

February 12, 2007

I made lists while riding the train today. I had nothing better to do to occupy the transit time, aside from being fidgety.

February

1. My Dad's birthday was last 7 February.
2. February in my family has always been less about valentines and more about birthdays.
3. Two weeks ago, I get sick–a strange combination of stomach flu and dizzy spells that had my Dad wondering if I were pregnant. He kidded me at the dinner table: "When you wanted to throw up this morning, I thought you had morning sickness!' A grin, then a nudge with an elbow. A whisper: "But if something like that really happens, you should tell me. You know what your mom can do." 

To do today

1. reserve a room at the department for OSCI use (ALTP processing) onThursday.
2. get paycheck
3. buy a 1Gb SD Card (which I realized that I can't afford, even after getting my paycheck)

Things I suddenly remembered 

1.  I was riding in the LRT2 with Marlone after the Levinas class last year. He told me: "I like riding the train. I look at people and invent stories about them. I try to guess what their lives are like."
2. My mother, speaking to my tita, back when I was in high school: "If any boy gets my Ella pregnant, I will get a shotgun and hunt that boy down."
3. "Migdiya a ta Bendum iman ku Marsu. Kabuleng ad en inyu alan. Ahaen ku sa graduation nuy."

intellectual snobbery

February 11, 2007

I like the show Grey's Anatomy. I dislike the title character (I step out of the room during her scenes) but I'm riveted when the camera's focused on my favorite character, Dr. Christina Yang.
Dr X (my quasi-mentor) calls the show "[a story that] revolves around all these self-involved people." And of my favorite character he says "she's the most self-involved of them all."
What's Grey's Anatomy got to do with anything? Well, it just illustrates this long-standing love-hate relationship I've had with intellectual snobbery. Dr. Christina Yang is just one of the long list of fictional charaters who I've loved because they were just darn smart, and couldn't help but show it (or rub it in your face).
At the same time, I just can't stand some real-life forms of intellectual snobbery–even those I engage in myself. And even though I feel like a hypocrite, I can't seem to help intensely disliking some people who have that "I-am-immensely-smarter-than-you" attitude (or its infinte variations, such as: "I-am-much-better-read-than-you; or "I'm-into-post-post-structuralism-I'm-brilliant-that-way") while in the same breath admiring people who're brilliant and not ashamed to let the world know.
Yes, I know that not all brilliant people are arrogant about their brilliance. (I actually have an inkling that there are more humble-brilliant people, it's just that they're a lot less visible than the arrogant ones, for obvious reasons.)
I don't know why we can be so self-contradictory, sometimes.

And, a bit of snobbery (not intellectual, though):
Have you seen the TVCs for this new Filipino film, The Promise? I don't know which is less believable: Richard Gutierrez playing a sakada (has he ever worked the sugar-cane fields in his life? I know I haven't); or that people still buy the love-story-on-a-hacienda plot line that's been exploited by dozens of Pinoy and Mexican soaps, even PARODIED in a Neozep commercial, for crying out loud.

is this it?

This is the first time I've been to this blog since that last post. Three months is a significant amount of time, and I have no ambitions to fill in the details of those missing months here. In fact, since the third week of January I've had no ambitions–or maybe no ambitions beyond getting through each day unscathed. It's a pity because I felt as though I had started 2007 on the right footing: I felt more positive about the way this year would go, and the kind of decisions I'd make. I really wanted–and still want–to make this year a lot better than the last. There's even a month or two of 2006 that I can't even remember because I was too dazed and unhappy (or at least that's the best guess I can make as to the reason). I decided: I'm not going to go through 2007, look back and realize that I had so many regrets. Why didn't I grab X opportunity? Or why didn't I take that chance back in Y month? It seemed like it was working–the second week of January began with white water rafting in the Chico River. (Someday I'll get those photos up.)

Well, so much for resolutions.

I was talking to Dr X a couple of weeks ago, telling him that it's only now that I've realized how easy it is to crush someone's ego. I think I've crushed mine, and it hasn't gotten back to normal. So if you're wondering why I seem quiet or listless or distant or stand-offish lately, don't mind me. I'm trying to scrape myself back off from the ground.

On the bright side, I just finished my last comprehensive exam yesterday. The only thing standing between me and getting out of this rut is a hundred pages of academic twaddle. It's funny because I love philosophy so much yet I hate the way I've let it take over my life. I hate the way I seem to be so content in the daily routine of getting up and dragging myself to Ateneo that I can't think of anything else to do even though I'm unhappy being in the Ateneo in general (not with being in the department, but with the whole atmosphere of the institution). What happened to all my plans? I don't know. This time liast year I was thinking of working for an NGO if things didn't work out with the dep…

…now my only plan is to snag a job at Starbucks if the teaching thing doesn't pan out.

chipper cupcakes, the blog

November 3, 2006

i've created a separate blog exclusively for the cupcakes (and other stuff) that I bake.
check it out at http://chippercupcakes.i.ph