mama, or of horoscopes and motherhood

At first, it was creepy. I was completely weirded out when I realized the significance of what I held in my hands.

WhileI was watching the Grammy Awards last night, my mother handed me a yellowed, faded print-out–so old that the text was printed by a dot-matrix printer on those continuous sheets with holes along both sides, and perforations at the bottom of each page. "Read this," mom said with a sneaky little smile I hadn't seen in a while. "I had it done when you were born."

The top of the long, continuous sheet of old-school computer paper read: "Natal Horoscope for P—– J– M—– birthdate: Thu, Jul 19, 1984  time: exactly 0300pm." What proceeded was four pages of descriptions of the various characteristics and traits that I would be predisposed to possess, by virtue of the arrangement of the stars and the moon on the month, day, hour, minute of my birth. The last page was a long table of all the variables that the astrologer had read from the stars. The first three pages were the interpretation of the last page, which to me seemed like reading scientific jargon that made no sense. Words like "trine" and "sextine" were mentioned in every other sentence.

As I read along, I noticed some phrases heavily underlined in my mom's trademark blue ballpen:

"Patience and discipline should be deliberately developed"

and:

"You must be careful to avoid bigotry or self-righteousness"

one more:

"There is a genuine love of beauty–artistic talent is likely"

 When I had finished reading my natal horoscope, my mom said, in all seriousness: "Now you know why I had to be strict with you."I was struck dumb–because it slowly dawned on me that my mother's ultimate childrearing guide (for my formative years, at the very least)  was an astrological chart. I didn't know what to make of it. My only thought was, "what the f***?!"

As I thought about it more, it made even more sense. My mother's irrational fear of me having a teenage pregnancy? "Good sexual relationships likely…strongly sexed," says the chart. Not to mention that "there is a strong parental instinct." Her constant encouragement for me to enter the arts ? When I was born, Jupiter was in conjunction with Neptune, which, as the chart explains over and over, is "a good aspect for artistic pursuits." I think that message was expressed in various iterations all over the chart.  And her nagging me about being too ma-luho and too exaggerated about the stuff I like?  "A loyal and expansive personality is likely, but probably very prone to excesses…practicality requires conscious effort."

What's worse is, practically 90% of what the chart is saying is true about me; it even says things about how I have a tendency to be praning, how  I loathe restrictions; how I am idealistic to a fault, and too escapist; how I don't want to get stuck in conventional thinking; even how much I like technology and reading science fiction! Good grief.

And it ends with this, which raised the hair on the back of my neck as I read it:

A basic conflict–at best [I am] independent and strong in helping others; at worst very secretive, a masochist, or a hermit. A tendency to brood may lead to problems. Hardships will be hidden from others, and can turn to self-pity.

Holy effing shit. That's scary. That's basically the story of my life so far. 

But, I'm pretty much over being creeped out by my mom using it as the guide to raising her child. Now, I'm beginning to think it's endearing; or perhaps a chink in the armor or a notch in the pedestal.

Even my mother–whom I got the know-it-all gene from–needed help with dealing with the new life she held in her hands. Even my mother–the practical agnostic–needed something that was greater than her to help her get through motherhood.

You see, my mother has this image of always being self-sufficient, capable, strong onto herself; it was always so hard for me growing up, feeling like I'd never be as strong as she was. The realization that she, too, can be afraid of responsibility–and that she would admit it to me, albeit indirectly–I'd never dreamed that would ever happen.